Chibimagic's Weblog


Posted on: February 16, 2012

One can trace the threads of thought through a screen of frazzled existence. It’s sunset on the second floor of a popular coffee shop on a crowded street. It’s a moment of quiet reflection and longing.

It’s too much: cooped up at two 3′ x 3′ tables with 3 coworkers for 6 straight hours. The cacophony in my head pounds relentlessly. Constant questions—interjections—comments—interaction — no spare moments for thinking. But, suddenly, as they pack up to leave, an unexpected pang of emptiness, and all I can think about is the endless eternity that stretches between now and dinner. It’s terrifying, the newness of feeling. I am afraid of becoming dependent on people. On others’ existence in my life. It’s a complete reversal from the safe nights of hiding quietly behind a dim comforting screen. And once again, I don’t know what it means.

Or: constantly being aware of my car. Constantly, mindfully focusing my attention on speed, revolutions, gears. Some days I pull the door closed behind me and all I want is to rip out the manual shifter, fling it across the driveway and let my car think for me. In some ways this car runs against something I believe in with every fiber of my being: that you shouldn’t have to think about things you don’t care about. I am not sure if I care about cars.

Everything in life is so new and different. I am happier, I think. Happier, and more worried.

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